My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
You Might Also Like
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I love snow
– People who never shovel
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?