Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
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Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
(more comics:
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)