food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
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my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
my favorite genre of twitter
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
me refusing to leave twitter
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.