Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
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Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
You are what you delete.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone