Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
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Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
OH. COME. ON.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Taliband
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
(more comics:
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.