I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
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I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”