I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
You Might Also Like
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Sorry not sorry.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.