getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
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I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
*bites zombie*
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.