I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
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Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.