If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
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Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.