Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
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If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)