….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
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My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
just witnessed a drug deal
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
In case you needed to hear it:
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.