My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
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Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
How does one answer this?
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now