amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
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[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
“No way.” -Jose
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.