30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
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Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…