NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
You Might Also Like
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.