A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
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[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
All. The. Damn. Time.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
i was baptized in a car wash
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.