How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
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No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
new shirt idea
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.