Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
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Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.