GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
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[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
presenting your incognito window wrapped
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.