I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
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I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
That eye roll….
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library