My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
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For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?