If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
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Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Meowchelangelo