Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
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So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Time heals everything 🙂
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.