Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
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Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.