Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
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If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.