Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
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If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?