Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
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There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Stop sending me this shit.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
I WON A HAM TODAY
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.