I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
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BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
You have been warned.
That’s fair
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.