Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
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My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I need to get some bricks…
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy