My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
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trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
who wore it better?
Breaking news:
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death