My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
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First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.