waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
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If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Catercrombie & Fish
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.