ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
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If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Meow
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.