You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
You Might Also Like
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!