I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
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“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
car not found
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?