[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
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Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..