Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
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DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.