Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
You Might Also Like
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in