The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
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My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Hmm, not sure about this change
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes