Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
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Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
had to share :’)
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear