I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
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HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!