[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
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My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages