Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
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tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.