saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
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Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
titanic
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?