I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
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The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.