*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
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Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air