Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
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Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”