[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
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Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Guilty! 🤪
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels