First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
You Might Also Like
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa